Eastman Derangement Syndrome (EDS): An Anatomy of a Disorder
Contributed by Silence Wat-Tyler
It’s getting to be that time again: time to elect our legislators to represent us for another 2 years. It’s also the time that sufferers from EDS are most likely to loudly and repeatedly make themselves known to the general public. In this article we will explore who suffers from this strange disorder, what the signs and symptoms of a sufferer are, and what the underlying causes might be.
First, who are the sufferers? The typical sufferer is usually a legislator, local politico, or someone with a close connection to a legislator or local politico, and not from District 27 (the district represented by Eastman). We will deal with the pathology of why these particular people suffer from the disorder as we explore the causation of the disorder, but an interesting clue is the overlap between Kurka Derangement Syndrome (KDS) sufferers, and EDS sufferers.
Secondly, let us examine the symptoms: EDS sufferers tend to experience issues with a superiority complex, as well as trouble distinguishing between fact and opinion, being precise, and being concise.
Superiority complex:
This is one of the more subtle symptoms for EDS.
It becomes quickly apparent however in the response that EDS sufferers make to any declaration of support, or praise for Eastman, however small. EDS sufferers will promptly inform the unfortunate object of their attention that they are not the first unfortunate soul to fall victim to the seductive allure of a legislator who is honest and forthright, that the “Eastman Cult” propaganda is strong, and it’s not their fault that they foolishly fell prey to it. After all Eastman supporters are just deluded peasants who need an intelligent, elite politico to tell them what is actually good for them. The prevailing attitude among EDS sufferers is that District 27 Republicans can’t be trusted to make the “right” choice.
Trouble distinguishing between fact and opinion. This symptom displays itself quite readily in any interaction with an EDS sufferer. If you are at all familiar with any of the issues that constitute the subject matter of the EDS diatribes, you will quickly pick out one or two issues where the sufferer is either repeating an outright falsehood as truth or presenting their own opinion as a fact. It is generally not advisable to point out these distinctions, as the average EDS sufferer is not aware of a distinction between their own opinion and fact, and attempting to educate them will only irritate and confuse them.
Trouble being precise is certainly one of the most common symptoms. It is clearly evident in the lack of specifics in allegations, and assertions leveled against Eastman. EDS sufferers thrive on a “conservative” form of virtue signaling which can be boiled down to “Eastman bad because [reasons].” Simplistic questions like how, why, where, when, and what is the source, are assiduously eschewed in favor of much more vague statements where the rhetorical rhythm of the diatribe can’t be derailed by peasants unhealthily obsessed with facts, evidence, truth, and other such distractions that really have no proper place in correct political discourse.
Trouble being concise is, yet another symptom very closely associated with EDS. It seems to be that EDS sufferers attempt to subconsciously compensate for issues arising out of symptoms #2 and #3 by simply producing a larger volume of sludge. Some slight critical analysis and critique often reveals what is happening. For example, an EDS sufferer brings up some clearly false, and easily disproved assertion like: “Eastman refused to join the Republican Caucus” or “Eastman supports the killing of small children.” Upon being subjected to the intolerable process of logical argumentation and presentation of evidence, the sufferer realizes that this particular peasant refused to buy that bill of goods. Now, contrary to non-EDS sufferers, they do not re-evaluate their suppositions, considering that some of their evidence has been disproven, but instead they simply switch to another grievance item of similarly flimsy substance. If you are tempted to engage EDS sufferers, you should be aware that they will move from one poor argument to another until they have run through their repertoire, and then they will start recycling. In this way, emphasis isn’t placed on the particulars of any one argument, but the emphatic nature of the accusation.
Although there are many other symptoms associated with EDS, these 4 should help you identify a sufferer if you encounter a loud, proud, politically involved Republican person who just seems to irrationally hate Eastman more than they hate Democrats.
Pathology:
We will now explore the probable causation of EDS. The profile of the typical sufferer gives us our first clue of one of the main causes of EDS: unhealthy over-exposure to other EDS sufferers, and politics in general. The overexposure to politicos in general is a notable secondary contributing factor since the culture among such types tends to encourage viewing oneself as better than non-politicos, being in-the-know, and thinking that you understand the problems and solutions in a way that the average peasant just isn’t capable of. In addition to a plain old high opinion of themselves, politicos tend to be comfortable with double-speak, equivocation, and vague virtue signaling. Obviously, this cluster of traits is compatible with the primary symptoms of EDS. Once the secondary causal factor encounters the primary causal factor of over-exposure to other EDS sufferers, the rate of poor health outcomes is extremely high. Sufferers also typically find themselves in mostly insular groups where questioning or criticizing other group members or the group’s assumed truths is the ultimate sin. Considering these circumstances, it is simple inference to pinpoint the origins of EDS: the presence of an individual who is honest, follows rules and expects others to do the same, and is not afraid to call out wrong doing, or criticize rule breakers, within a group of people who generally find honesty inconvenient, prefer to look the other way when it comes to wrong-doing or deal with it behind the scenes, decide what rules to follow based on what’s politically convenient at the time, and consider it the ultimate sin to speak against the group and its ultimate value: self-interest. It seems likely that the presence of an “overly-conservative,” “overly principled” person, in a position where politicos can’t just ignore and dismiss them, presents an existential threat to their well-entrenched system of personal favors, special interests, and self-dealing. This would certainly explain the remarkable overlap between EDS and KDS sufferers, and their unwillingness to actually enact any of the conservative things they claim to stand for.
Sufferers of EDS are easily identifiable once you learn the distinctive symptoms and at-risk population markers. Attempts to treat or alleviate the disorder will face challenging series of obstacles considering the typical sufferer’s predisposition. The best-known treatment at this time is removal from the primary and secondary contributing environments, and prolonged exposure to the peasant class.
This is light satire intended to poke fun at certain types of people. The author had no specific individual(s) in mind, and no allusion is intentionally made to any individual(s). If you thought this was written about you, or if this piece of satire irrationally irritated you, please visit your token peasant friend, and ask them if you might be suffering from EDS.
Disclaimer: EDS is not a recognized medical or psychological disease, it is simply a descriptive term for a grouping of behaviors.