Contributed by Gene Kelly
The present avalanche dissemination of information about global current events overwhelms most attention spans. Pressing issues are now overlooked in society. Citizens come out their front doors daily, meeting changes challenging their emotional stability. Cultural decline from a loss of diversity is reaching a tipping point of no return.
The overlooked crisis of the day is that of leprechaun identity collapse. If the current trend continues through lack of public awareness and a failure to apply remedies, an irreversible loss of diversity will occur of tragic, epic proportions. While attention has been focused on keeping rain forest people in their mud huts, as idyllic models for park occupiers to emulate, the dire plight of leprechauns has been overlooked.
Leprechaun youth have ceased speaking Gaelic. Many left forests for the bright lights of cities, to take up burger flipping. Others sat in parks for a time, befuddled that industry followed carbon to China. Still others discovered that leprechaun lives matter, leaving the rest of society to puzzle over why they just recently figured that out.
A rich heritage chronicled in the borders of the Book of Kells is being lost. Frolicking amidst shamrocks has ceased, making the world a sadder place. If ever there was or is an example of climate change refugees, surely it is the leprechauns. Multiple causes for the cultural abandonment can be addressed; so, there is hope for a leprechaun renaissance.
Those causes include dilutions and appropriations, macro-aggressions against leprechauns. Leprechauns’ identification as keepers of capital formation pots of gold at the ends of rainbows has been diluted, by homosexual adoption of their rainbow symbol. The incipient insensitivity in such an action must be reversed, checking privilege.
Denigrating leprechaun wealth is rooted in anti-capitalist socialist hysteria. The capitalist free market collapse in Venezuela has driven entrepreneurial leprechauns into exile. On the American front, if the U. S. Treasury has Ft. Knox, the IRS and a freehand adding trillions of zeros on the Federal Reserve ledgers, why can’t leprechauns have unlimited gold?
The dissemination of herbicides drastically reduced leprechaun habitat through shamrock decline. Leprechauns need to buck up and adjust to the Industrial Revolution. Reversion to revolutions limited to firing squads and guillotines would please Mommy Ghia adherents. Then, they wouldn’t be distracted from the complacency found in yoga or yogurt or whatever.
Another example of demeaning, insensitive, micro-aggressive stereotyping impacting leprechauns is corporate advertising utilizing leprechaun imagery on cereal boxes, as in the case of Lucky Charms. If Aunt Jemima can be struck from the label, why can’t justice be realized for leprechauns? And female leprechauns are never depicted in any artistic compositions. Are they all expected to stay home and do dishes? Don’t they have driver’s licenses too?
Perhaps legal action and shaming can remedy the trivialization and denigration of leprechaun culture. Lawyers have to eat too! A global initiative rejuvenating leprechaun culture might utilize the preservation abilities of the United Nations. It could be a facet in forestalling WWIII.
Fortunately, leprechauns are very mischievous; so, they are resilient as con artists. It might be that they learned from watching Humphrey Bogart depictions of Sam Spade, the private eye busting criminals. They are so fast, they are rarely caught on film committing pernicious deeds. They may have been participants in Russian collusion. Hallucinogenic concoctions facilitate observing them.
There is compelling evidence that leprechauns were in on the inception of carbon offset markets. They probably picked up on P.T. Barnum’s line, “There is a sucker born every minute.” If only those phantom cap and trade exchanges can be fully imposed, then the finances for leprechaun rejuvenation should be an abundant, renewable resource.
If the leprechauns used their capital gains prior to the collapse of the carbon offset market to lounge on beaches in the Bahamas, it was because they knew there would be no tsunami of rising ocean levels. And Bahamian accounts kept it all out of the reach of the IRS. No applications for non-profit status were filed. Those clever leprechauns knew there would soon be people that we were waiting for, that would stop the flooding calamity and heal the planet.
The decline and collapse of leprechaun culture can be forestalled by Chicago modeled community organizers, heightening awareness of their heart-wrenching circumstance. They don’t have to share the fate of Munchkins and Lilliputians. Yes, we can avert a tragic collapse; a crisis that doesn’t have to be! We will be able to come out our front doors and not be emotionally challenged by a changing world. Cultural change deniers can be successfully confronted. Playground tactics still work. The 97 percent of all anthropologists’ consensus must be immediately acted upon!
The leprechauns don’t stand alone. Our hearts are joined as one with theirs; we do clearly see the dilemma at hand. Send contributions to my non-profit foundation, Save the Leprechauns. It is a subdivision of the Leprechaun Global Initiative. Contributions will facilitate advancing your international interests within Foggy Bottom. Step up to bat and be the vehicle addressing this crisis.
In a final appeal to conscience, I ask if you can afford the additional cost of vegetarian-fed hen eggs, could you not also afford to contribute to remedying the dire plight of the leprechauns?