Contributed by Gene Kelly
Somewhere in the space time continuum…
It is time that diversity celebration boldly goes where diversity has gone before. I am a Trans Viking. Noticing the Goth Renaissance amidst zombies was not my sole inspiration. The yellow vest rioters on the heels of the Paris Climate Accords motivated me to consider a GoFundMe Viking Apology Tour. Surely those yellow-vest-folk would appreciate my humble regrets, for my ancestors trashing their neighborhoods? Or maybe the antithesis would apply, and they would appreciate coaching on rioting techniques. Equal opportunity pillaging makes for lots of travel destinations. As a Trans Viking, I exemplify my ancestral multi-cultist, cosmopolitan, equanimity.
I celebrate looting and pillaging diversity, anywhere on the planet, not just Portland. Would the Italian government pick up my hotel bills if I asserted I was an illegal alien climate refugee? It would be a borrowed strategy from Mexican invaders. I must consider if my Trans Viking identity will inspire Persian, Hun, Mongol or Carthaginian invasions. Only time will tell.
Maybe my Viking Renaissance can interface with another carbon-fired, capitalist Industrial Revolution. Given those traveling traits in Vikings, I might go to Tibet and persuade the locals they should follow that Swede Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite. They could blast tunnel networks through the Himalayas, culturally appropriating the Swiss example in the Alps. Rail lines and freeways might lead to the development of shopping malls and burger joints. It would inspire the “Save Tibet In Crowd” during their tourist visas.
Tibetans could utilize unemployed Iranian or North Korean atomic bombs, to form cavities in the mountains. Then factories resembling Soylent Green using soybeans, shipped in from Central Asia, could employ ardent hippie mommy Gaia vegans. They could read Dostoyevsky’s Notes From Underground, while avoiding climate change, just like Mr. Potato Head. We will stop short of considering the implications of him being a white potato.
There is a multiplicity of opportunities for recruiting Trans Vikings, from other identity persuasions. Ongoing Hollyweird collapse might attract experienced make-believe identifiers. I will mull over the past blonde-only trait amongst Vikings, in common with Blondie and Dagwood. Can the truth about exclusion of blondes from Viking expeditions, based on the premise that they lacked upper body strength for rowing, be told today? Those he Vikings were leaving the she Vikings behind, because they would complicate the search for Sophia Loren’s maternal ancestors on the coast of Italy. It preceded the concept of male chauvinist Vikings.
Perhaps blue, green and pink hair petrochemical diversity celebration should have no place amongst true Trans Vikings. A nucleus of Harley-Davidson enthusiasts might be a civic catalyst. Will my identity transition open up Barbarian Studies Programs employing me as director, in consultation with Peer Gynt? Would publishing a Critical Viking Theory text advance systemic stupidity civic shattering? Again, only time, and consideration of Soren Kierkegaard will tell.
Postscript: The author is founder and president of Freight Train University.