Contributed by Jason Goldsmith
One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is take something too personally. Many of us often feel the need to defend ourselves from threats when we feel we, a loved one, or our beliefs are being attacked in some way. We may hear others telling us “Don’t let it get under your skin.”, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”, or “Why can’t you just let it go?”. It might be we take these comments as an accusation of being oversensitive, not having the right to feel the way we do or that the person saying them is being dismissive of us. While this might be the case, we might benefit from asking ourselves a few important questions to rule out our own attitude and behavior.
A first step to what we like to call ‘Healthy Boundaries’ is asking ourselves if this person or situation is more valuable. It may be that we were punished in the past for feeling pride in ourselves or knew someone who was too prideful or self-centered. Whichever the case, and it need not be restricted to these two, we may lack the healthy feeling of pride in ourselves in favor of the opinion of another individual or group.
A second step may be to ask ourselves if the person or situation made us feel afraid or ashamed and we don’t like feeling that way so we become defensive or angry. Refusing to acknowledge our own negative feelings can often a poor response. Try validating your feelings and find their origins.
A third step is asking ourselves if we are a chronic worrier. A simple comment or situation we experience could validate our worry over making a mistake which will add to the stress of our worry. Rather than seek change outside ourselves, looking in to reduce our worry may yield far more positive results in improving our lives.
Sometimes we have a tendency to think rigidly about our personal beliefs and react negatively when they are questioned or not followed by others. It can be a valuable skill to consider differing perspectives and new explanations rather than enforce yours upon others.
In the end, we may find ourselves with the realization: IT IS THEM! Generating healthy boundaries for ourselves works both ways. Not only does it give us the opportunity to look within for solutions to the things we take personally, it allows us to look outside ourselves and judge more accurately what our response should be in any given situation. Falling into the mood swing of an outside influence is giving it power over us. It may be time to question what and who we expose ourselves to and walking away.
Healthy boundaries are hard to create, harder to enforce but terribly hurtful to live without. Be your own best advocate. Ask for what you want and need with “I” statements. “I don’t like this.”
Here at HOW we would like to make ourselves available to you in answering some of the questions and concerns. Please contact us and we will reply in the next edition while keeping you anonymous. We look forward to hearing from you.