Middle Meta Earth
Contributed By Samwise Jamgee
The most relevant source for understanding the past is the primary voice, also known as an eye witness to events. A source that has thousands of years of observance and scholasticism is herein considered.
Middle Earth’s iconic patriarchal elder, Gandoof The White Wizard, traversed not just Middle Earth, but also the West as we know it. When Gandoof escorted Bilbo and Frodo Bagman unto the elves sailboat, for transit to the West, he already had an eon of Western observation.
Gandoof had accompanied Greece’s Alex The Great when he trashed the Persian Empire, the precursor to today’s Iran. He knew Alex accomplished his patriarchal dominance AFTER those Asiatic Persians had torched Athens. Likewise Gandoof witnessed that African Hannibal pillaged Italy BEFORE Rome went imperial. So obviously it was Asians and Africans that exemplified dominance for those European white guys to follow. And those Huns, Mongols and Turks were such fine neighbors.
When our trio of hobbits and a wizard arrived in the West, they realized it had gone full on carbon fired, capitalist, Industrial Revolution. Gandoof collected textbooks on physics, metallurgy, chemistry and engineering and returned to Middle Earth. There he founded Middle Earth Industrial Revolution University. It transformed Middle Earth out of medieval mud hut culture.
An example of the magnitude of change was the ending of Treebeard’s search for the Ent Wives. Those she Ents had loitered in shopping malls until they decided they wanted to metamorph into trans plywood, so they did. Treebeard then proceeded to clear cut Fangorn Forest and strip mine it for coal, enabling carbon stomping finale for dainty foot printing.
Frodo Bagman also returned to Middle Earth and partnered with Treebeard in industrial development. After the explosion of Mt. Doom made clear that there was no climate crisis, Frodo was inspired to construct another lucrative emotional cause. He authored Earth Unbalanced; a tragic explanation of continental drift crisis. If continental drift wasn’t stopped, land masses would collide and civilization would cease. His proposed solution was full implementation of fracking as a chiropractic therapy for mommy earth.
So Frodo inspired leprechauns to leave their green clover camouflage and apply their capitalist pots of gold coin to fracking. Middle Earth is living happily ever after with an abundance of terra firma flatulence. Hobbits never had prejudice about black coal and oil. All elements mattered.
Gandoof The White has been a very positive, paternalistic, patriarchal, privileged supremacist. His associations with Groucho Marx motivated him to keep Groucho Marxist Critical Theory cranial concrete constipation out of Middle Earth academia. His motive and model could and should be applied to cancel globalist socialist tyranny.
A positive environment change occurred in Middle Earth following the collapse of Marxist Mordor. A mass extinction event included jabberwockies, orcs and bigfoots. They reincarnated to Haight Ashbury as hip as in pelvis not cranium, far out, cool cat, flower childs. So Middle Earth does not have a zombie descendant problem.
Further observations of positive change in Middle Earth are jacked up, four wheel drive trucks on thruways and burger joints disregarding veganism.
Even given the collapse of Marxist Mordor, Gandoof and Treebeard were motivated to frequent barber shops for shaves. It prevented identity surveillance tracking by swamp creature bureaucracies.
Treebear changed his name to Tree SideBurns, furthering his anonymity. No, today’s Middle Earth is not a utopia, but it is far better than a globalist, green supremacist, apocalyptic dystopia.